It is 5 de mayo and you know what that means!

Yep, millions of people across the good old U.S. of A will take to the streets in a display of pure unrepentant anti-Americanism. These unpatriotic folks will spend the day drinking cheap tequila (How do you say Crow in Spanish José?); boozing on frozen margaritas and eating Mexican food (mostly Doritos and salsa). Some may even wear sombreros left over from the last borderline-racist themed party.

And the jalapeño on top? They will be waving Mexican flags- thousands of them.

Yes you are right. They are college students celebrating Mexico’s independence and the… wait a minute that is all wrong. I think.

According to my senior 5 de mayo correspondent, in 1862 (and coincidentally, a 5 de mayo too!) the Mexican Army defeated the French Army at the Battle of Puebla.

I know what you are thinking. Who hasn’t defeated the French, right?

But at the time the French military was formidable, much better equipped, trained and experienced, and much larger than the Mexican forces. Well, Mexicans celebrated for a while but the war went on until 1867 when the French were finally defeated.

And by the way, Mexico was already an independent country when Emperor Napoleon III (not the short one) invaded and basically gave Mexico as a gift to his best bud Maximiliano who became Emperor of Mexico. Maximiliano, like many others before and after him, perdió la cabeza por México– or was it “in” Mexico? Semantics.

Napoleon III thought he could establish a Latin empire in Mexico that would favor French interests in the Americas. Mind you, that was the wrong kind of Latin. Napoleon did not envision any salsa dancing or conga playing, or the food we are famous for. No sir- he was not into that. He was more into geopolitical expansionism and a heavy dose of French racism.

Nothing hot, sexy, funny or cool about it. Totally the wrong kind of Latin.

By the way, it seems that real Mexicans and Mexican-Americans really don’t care much about 5 de mayo. Like the old saying goes “it is always 5 de mayo somewhere in the world”.

Pardon my nerdiness and my digressing. There are other issues at hand. Is it coincidental that the end of the semester always coincides with that Mexican fiesta, or is there something more sinister behind all this? Are colleges across campuses (full of liberal professors) trying to Mexicanize  good American boys and girls?

I know it sounds crazy. But think about it. S.E.R.I.O.U.S.L.Y.

I been thinking about it and now I think I understand haters and Fox talking heads when they start posting and tweting things like these:

“Mexican flags all over “Murica, the Horror, the *Mother F^!*ing Horror.”

“My great-great-great-granpa didn’t go to war with Mexico so I could lose it back to a horde of Mongrels, Bastards, Orphans and Vagabonds!”

“I ain’t racist but those Mexican flags offend me.”

“Let’s take our country back.”

“Steaks over chimichangas.” (That one sounds delicious)

Well, now that I think about it that is kind of racist.  Anyway, I’m back to my senses and I’m here for you. This is your answer to those haters who claim they are not being racist when they denounce that Mexican Fiesta. Don’t leave home without it on 5 de mayo- you may need it.

“Con permiso patron, are are telling me you are not being racist when you get offended by Mexican flags indecently flying over ‘Murica, is that right?  I don’t remember you complaining about Irish flags during Saint Patrick’s Day.  Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

So please shut up, pass the tequila and Que Viva Puebla!